Starch’s blog

Since I am already deep in the feel bads...let's play the "maybe I shoulda" game...

Maybe I shoulda boycotted the year end show.

Maybe I shoulda stayed home and watched VM and Moonlight.

Maybe I shoulda told AHC I wouldn't do a door shift.

Maybe I shoulda invited other people to come to the show.

Maybe I shoulda vocalized how I was feeling and what my needs were.

Maybe I shoulda eaten something before the show.

Maybe I shoulda used my time wisely in preparation for tonight.

Maybe I shoulda kept my expectations lower.

Maybe I shoulda waited around and had my moment with MJP.

Maybe I shoulda gone out one last time with the RSID clan.

Maybe I shoulda realised that it's not about me, it never is.

"It was an honour to have you as a student"

Oh MJP, how I love thee...

A blog wouldn't be complete without a cryptic pondering:

The demons of my past are so much scarier

...now that I'll have to face them alone.

Today one of my dearest friends gave me a newspaper article about satisfying the inner child.

This is because I confided in her of my "cake Tuesdays" which are days when I purchase a 'cake for two' and eat it by myself...I call it "cake for two for one"...or I tell her about the days I leave class to get chai and brownies....

I am not normally an emotional eater..and I know the dangers it brings...

But I am at a loss as to how to deal with my intense feelings of hatred for MPT...

It's beyond just not understanding him, I work my ASS off trying to meet his impossible standards and ALWAYS fall short. I thought one of God's purposes of having me do the Buddies project was to prove to MPT that I am more than a mediocre student, but I can't conform to his standards....I try and it just doesn't take...

But I cannot even begin to explain how excruitiatingly painful it is to sit in his classes and try to do work when I know I am inadequate. To watch him fawn over his favorites and give them tons of advice but give me the sparse words he has at the end of class. I just can't handle it. I worked my ASS off on that stupid rendering, and I asked him for help etc. and in the end, I get the same crappy mark as people who don't come to class.

Don't even get me started on Irn...

And I hate him for making me feel this way. For making me feel that I am not good enough because I don't fit his stupid mould.

And I HATE how I am being forced to conform to his standards for IRN...but my friends actually COMPLAIN when they asked to be more political in their design solutions...whereas I can't even tell him what I think, even his views on the fucking LGBT are outdated, and there are so many times when in my research and desire for knowledge I have surpassed him, and he won't acknowledge that...

and I HATE how I have to see him 3 days a week...

I just hate this semester...I hate how Mysterious M is so long-winded...but in the end he's a nice guy, I just don't understand his class...

I hate how PHeys is so fucking lazy he can't even mark his own fucking exam, and he doesn't have ANY context of how much work we have on the side and how to make a fucking lecture interesting...

I hate how LA just rants without hope. I am most disappointed about how that class ended up, I had hoped I'd develop a relationship with him similar to my relationship with MJP...but alas MJP is one in a million.

I hate being stuck in these classes when I could be off learning a language or studying international politics or DOING something with my life...

after today only 5 more weeks...

In any case, this article told me there are better ways to satisfy my inner child than to emotionally eat such as sex, a massage, a long walk or a hot bath or read a book...

To me, those sound like quick fixes, like the emotional eating...

And yeah, the first 2, not really gonna happen anytime soon...but tell me, when I am STUCK in these horrendous classes, how can I satisfy my Inner child in those ways other than eat????

I suppose listening to my happy/camp playlist would help, and often times I do turn to it...but I can't always do that...

So how do I keep my spirits up? How do I hold on for 5 more weeks? 

I was greeted today by the beautiful sun...(and why wouldn't the sun shine on a day I see MJP)?

And I really do think I am affected by SAD...

In any case, today was a really good day.

• I got all my readings and notes out to my reading group by 7:15 am (I gave myself til 8:00)
• I went to MJP's class and was the only one who had completed one of the required readings, and thus put on the spot to respond in tutorial (after being thanked by MJP for doing it)..and rose to the challenge...
• I ended the tutorial strong by making a connection he actually said was a "thoughful connection"
• He came to talk to ME (or rather US, me and ams, actually dodging his fan club to find us) about the lecture we attended the night before, and asked us if we could send him our notes
• Afterwards Ams and I went to the Annex, had lunch at Futures, then went to Grassroots and Ten Thousand Villages...afterwards we went to David Mirvish books, and I found this awesome book on structural packaging...filled with plans to make innovative packing and die cut sheets on a disc!
• Afterwards, went home, took a nap...
• And now I write, to avoid homework...

If only everyday was a day I saw MJP, OR if only ALL my profs cared and gave me life the way he does...He lets me explore what I want and say what I want and respects me, even if he disagrees. He doesn't tell me how to do my project (or do it like MPT), or wax poetic of his glory days (PH) and he cares about his students and his class and doesn't fill it with cynical rants and is open to others' opinions...

And I find it ironic, sad, but not surprising that he is the only one on staff with LEED accreditation..absolutely NONE of the studio profs have it.

In short, even though 4th year wins the prize for the WORST year of my life at rsid, I am so grateful to God that he has been gracious and patient with me and has given me life in this one class with MJP.

this entry will be in 2 parts:

1. Potential unexplored

I...can't do this right now, I'll write this part later...

2. Called to singleness?

There are times when I feel I have been called to singleness, not just in this season but possibly longer.

And I realize my attitudes towards having my own children are actually not that different than my attitudes toward a romantic relationship.

I feel that having my own children or being in a relationship will lead me to the path of ultimate complacency. And I know it works on some cases where a person can have a family and still care for the world, but I have these intense desires of living and working in places that I could die in any instant, and I don't want to be bogged down by a family. I don't want to be in a situation if, say I were to live the life of a missionary, where I would have a hierarchy in my care for others i.e make sure my family/legacy is ok THEN take care of others...though I say this aware that my hierarchical care for others may manifest regardless of whether or not I have a family (a recent situation has shown me that when a certain friend who's hurt me and that I should be gracious to began stirring up trouble, my first instinct was to protect my close friends in contact with him, and foresake caring for him...but this is a tough situation, though not unlike others I may find myself in, so what do I do?)..

In this season of life, I feel that the lonliness I feel at times, burdens my heart to reach those who are also lonely. And the freedom I have to reach my friends in hard times is a benefit to my being unattached.

Maybe its just time to really embrace my singleness not as a temporary thing but as a lifestyle.

I've got a serious case of the blahs and possible SAD.

I haven't been writing because I don't want this blog to be full of furious rants, but its a lose-lose

1. I don't write because I don't want to write furious rants.

2. I don't write good things because I don't sit still long enough (or don't make time) to write them down.

I suppose I could work on #2, but not today, in my day of blah...

So, I started writing this post on Jan 10, but well, life got busy...but instead of shooting myself or harming myself physically in the HORRENDOUSLY BORING class, I choose to blog.

I guess my anger and restlessness in this class is partly due to the fact that I already know what I need to know for this class, Professional Practice (a fucking joke of a course for a fucking joke of an institution of learning) and I KNOW that I am not going to live my life as an interior designer. At least not in Canada. But I should never say never because God has a way of showing me otherwise.

This course is just such a waste of time.

They should have given us this course in FIRST year, not FOURTH...

And this course is all about justifying the profession of interior design and rationalizing it is something it is not, Patty Johnson called design "a borderline frivoulous profession" and I WHOLEHEARTEDLY agree.

Ahh,...critcal battery status...finish rant....later

After realising how much RSID makes me angry, I saw the value in stepping outside of myself and taking part in something that shows me I'm part of something bigger.

These moments of perspective give me the hope I need to survive and to instill hope in those around me.

Some might call my behaviour escapist but done in moderation, I think it's what I need.

Today it was "Into the Wild", which reminded me about the value of life and the beauty of my surroundings, also the importance of love and forgiveness.

I have peace in the fact that even though I may be stuck with a shitty design project, and I may not graduate this year because of another course taught by the same shitty professor and thus not be able to intern with ivcf, AT LEAST, I can be happy that I will most likely be returning to the motherland....finally. The notion of this frightens and excites me (but mostly excites me).

So worst case scenario, if everything else goes to pop, I'm going back to Africa, and ready to start my new life after RSID.

And maybe RSID was an (expensive) but necessary catalyst for the rest of my life. Who knows, I'm in a W.O.G. period now, so we'll see what happens.

But for now, this brings me some solace:

"More than that we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." Romans 5:3-5

The next phase of my life will be full of diappointments.

So this is how I plan on surviving the next semester.

I'm going to ace History of Design and Sustainable Design, get a solidly respectable B in Technology, a B + in Professional Practice, and then just slug out a C in IRN800...

and I plan on BOYCOTTING the year end show.

I started at Rye High as a rebel, and I damn well will end my time as one too.

Cheers to another shit kicked semester at RSID.....

Fuck you Ryerson.